The Softer Side of S & M

Like dressing up in your favorite S&M gear, but hate the restrictive feel of your pleather bondage corset? Well, there's a remedy for that rash you keep telling yourself is from the fibers in your monoglove. Some sweet old grannies from Germany are knitting and selling homemade S&M gear. All come in your favorite knits and blends, such as angora, wool, and mohair. Choose from their fabulous line of masks, lingere, bondage suits, and willy warmers. Yes, willy warmers. There must be a mass shrinkage problem in Germany making this a high-demand product.

And my grandma only knits me slippers and scarfs....

Right: Willy Warmer

Germans must be hung like Danny Bonaduce

Who's Packing?!

I can't decide if this is obscene or the best Halloween costume ever! Either way, it gives us something to talk about. Click here to find out who's rocking this Robin costume...

Hoffy Halloween

Fun with a Halloween Scare

Scaring people is a lot of fun. I don't care who you are. Admit it, at some point in your life you've pulled a stupid prank to scare a friend, family member or co-worker and laughed your ass off after watching their reaction. Seeing someone scream, run away, hide and/or nearly shit themselves is just plain funny. Unless you're making little kids cry... that's just mean. And you should stop before you become known as the neighborhood's creepy weird guy and the five to 12 year old sect starts comparing you to the old pervert in the Family Guy. You don't want that.

As we get older, scaring people only becomes acceptable on Halloween. Because, let's face it, wearing a Michael Myers mask and popping out out of your cubicle, roaring when a co-worker walks by on July 31st is freaking weird. But doing the same thing on October 31st, is freaking funny. And what's even funnier is doing it on a live news broadcast.... check this out....

News Anchors Scared Stiff

Giving women drivers everywhere a bad name.

Brooke Shields Drives Her Car Into Her House...

"I really did drive into my house. I was wearing these fabulous sort of kick-ass platform patent leather… I was meeting the team at Lipstick Jungle… I was all sexed out.”

“I slowed down to what I thought was a proper speed… I went to go put my foot on the break and I couldn’t get my foot off the gas because the wedge was completely wedged under.”

“I slammed on what I thought was the brake and it actually was the gas!”

Looks like Brooke might have been sharing Arnold's "funny" cigar...

Cheeseheads go for cheesy wedding

There's not a whole lot to be said about this. A picture is worth a thousand words, or in this case, maybe three... What the Fuck?

Ya Gotta See the Baby!

We've all been there, right? Your friend, sister, cousin, brother just had a kid and there you are at your ceremonial first visit to welcome the newbie into the world, family, circle of friends. Picture the Seinfeld episode when they travel to the Hamptons because they "gotta see the baby." You're starring at this baby who by all accounts could be anyone's baby because there are two types of newborn babies: regular looking babies and ugly babies, but you obviously can't tell the parents that their kid fits into either of these categories because every new parent thinks their baby is the most beautiful baby in the world. Some might even say "breathtaking." While you're staring, the mother undoubtedly asks you if you want to hold the baby. And as much as you don't want to hold the thing, be it because they're just too tiny or you don't like the baby smell they give off, you can't say no. Trust me, I've made the mistake of telling a new mother no before. On the list of most offensive things you can say to a new mother, this is second only to saying, "wow, you really haven't lost that baby weight yet." So, you hold the baby, tell the parents how cute he or she is, but then what? You can say stupid things in a high pitched voice that it won't understand only to have the baby respond by starring blankly, crying, puking on you or shitting their diapers. But for how long?

How long is a sufficient amount of time for that new baby visit? And what's the rush in seeing the baby? New parents expect everyone to drop what they're doing and travel any distance to see their kid within the first few days they popped the beanbag out. We don't have children, ergo, we don't have anything better to do and won't be inconveinenced. Even those who don't come right out and say it are thinking it and will let you know by telling you repetedly, "ya gotta see the baby!" Or, my favorite to loath, "little Johnny misses you." Do new mothers develop a manipulation gene when they give birth? When mothers use their babies to make you feel guilty about not seeing the baby, I really want to say to them, "Little Johnny is two months old. Have you forgotten the Theory of Cognitive Development we learned about in Psych 101? The kid's brain isn't developed enough to even think about something without it being in front of him. Tell me he misses me when he's two. Until then, please just tell me you want me to see the baby."

There are no articles that I could find on how to react to you're friends insistence on you spending time with their new baby. Most related articles I found were focused on the new parents, not the kidless friends and relatives of the new parents. Okay. New parents do need guidance, I'm not totally heartless, I'll give them that. But what about us? The kidless, thirty-something group who are watching many, if not all of our friends, have children. Where's our guidance on how to deal with baby overload? After all, for us women, the baby TMI starts with the first announcement of our friend's pregnancy status, continues throughout the pregnancy, gets way too graphic around birth and breastfeeding, and seemingly never ends... While I couldn't find any articles giving advice, I did find some humorous articles about babies and new parents. So, when you've just had too much baby talk to handle and are on the verge of saying something anti-baby to the new mom or dad, grab a beer and read a few of these to vent....

Don't you wish we could all be this frank....

Area Baby Doesn't Have Any Friends

TARRYTOWN, NY-Although he's had nearly three months to meet people, stay-at-home misfit Joshua Goldsworthy hasn't made a single friend.

I'm not sure if I should be entertained by this one or horrified that this chick reproduced...

I Hope My Baby Doesn't Come Out All Fucked-Up And Shit

I sure hope my baby don't come out all fucked-up and shit. 'Cause I know I'm gonna be a good mother, and I'm totally ready, no matter what anybody say, but I don't think I could deal with that. I mean, like, if something was wrong with it, that would suck so fuckin' bad.

Everyone knows a woman like her....

Pregnant Woman Acting Like No One Ever Got Pregnant Before

HUNTSVILLE, AL—In the seven months since she got herself knocked up, graphic designer Amy Glennon, 27, has been walking around the Calendarz, Inc. office acting like the Queen of Sheba just because she's pregnant, coworker Stephen DeGrassio announced Monday.

Even after baby arrives, the baby talk doesn't end....

New Parents Desperately Seeking Other New Parents For Socializing

BETHESDA, MD-New parents David and Diane Huber, both 28, remain locked in a desperate search for other parents with whom they can talk exclusively about children, child-rearing, and their beautiful eight-month-old son Tyler, sources said Monday.

Scary New Poll Results for Hill

Hillary Clinton tops yet another poll. Although, I doubt that her campaign staffers will be issuing a press release on this one. According to an AP poll, 37% of Americans polled, said Hillary would make the scariest Halloween costume when compared to the other major presidential hopefuls.

Perhaps she should stop making faces like this....

Quote of the Day

"[Marijuana] is not a drug. It’s a leaf.”
- California governor Arnold Schwarzenegger tells the new issue of GQ

Wonder what's in that cigar??

There's a New Fire Crotch in Town

Move over LiLo, there's a new fire crotch being spread all over the Internet.

Okay, so the fire crotch itself, isn't exactly new. In fact, it's been around for forty-some-odd years. We first came to know the little fiery guy when he was still considered cute and was singing and making wisecracks in the Partridge Family. Yep, you guessed it, the subject of this post is none other than former child star, TV personality, and radio host, Danny Bonaduce. While he's never been too far from the spot light through the years since the 70's television hit, with his reality TV series, Breaking Bonaduce, radio shows, visits on Howard Stern, various cameos and celebrity appearances, such as Celebrity Boxing, and most recently the ridiculous lawsuit filed against him by that reality tv nobody, Bonaduce hits an all new level with his latest antics. While appearing at the Erotic Ball, Bonaduce whipped out his own balls and, if you look closely enough, you'll see his little fireman too.

Thanks (I think) to Perez for posting these terrifying photos just in time for Halloween! Before you click, beware: they are not for the faint of heart.

Stretching 15 Minutes of Fame Over 15 Years

How long could one possibly stretch out their fifteen minutes of fame? Amy Fisher and her equally messed up crew have been trying to hang on to their so-called fame for the past fifteen years.

Here's an abridged timeline:

1992: Seventeen year old skank Amy Fisher makes headlines for shooting 36 year old Joey Buttafuoco's wife Mary Jo in the face. Through the myriad of press reports, we'd learn that the skank and the dirty old man were having a torrid love affair during which the skank would also work as prostitute for him. (she'd later deny the prostitution claim) In December of '92, Fisher is sentenced to 5-15 years in prison for her crime.

1993: Dirty Old Buttafuoco sentenced to four months for statutory rape. Fisher releases a book telling her side of the story. And the American public is inundated with Amy Fisher-made-for-TV-movies on every major broadcasting station.

1999: Fisher is released from prison without too much fanfare.

2004: Fisher releases another book. Apparently she didn't like that America was starting to forget her. This one is a look back on what she would have done differently.... Seriously? There's enough to write an entire book on this subject? I'll give you the Cliff's Notes: "I would have not fucked the old dude. I would not have sold my body to sexually deprived perverts. I would have not shot a woman in the face. The end."

2006: Amy, Joey, and Mary Jo reunite for a few drawn out and utterly uninteresting segments on Entertainment Tonight and The Insider. The Skank and Old Dirty B shamelessly go on to be featured at the year's Lingerie Bowl's coin toss.

May 2007: The NY Post reports the Skank and Old Dirty B are back together. They hold another shameless publicity stunt in Central Park via a disgusting display of affection for cameras. And a day later, there were rumors of a possible reality TV series staring the Long Island losers. Seeing that no one in America cared about either of them, their reunion was short lived and the reality TV series never came to fruition. Thank God!

And here we are today, with the NY Post's article stating that Amy's ex-husband is now the one trying to cash in on her so-called fame by selling a homemade sex tape of the two of them to the porn industry. Somewhere within the past 15 years, Old Dirty B also tried to break into the porn industry-- not having any interest whatsoever to see this guy naked, let alone having sex, I've never seen any of his work. Nor will I see this new video of the Skank and her ex, which by the way, Amy supposedly is against the video being publicized. Yeah right.

Amy, Joey, et. el, you're fifteen minutes of fame are up and regardless of how many times you try to get back into the limelight, the simple fact of the matter is that NO ONE CARES! Give it up.

Butter: It's not just for toast anymore

Got a roommate who's pissing you off? Get even like this guy did...

Watch your volume if you're at work.

May we also recommend these butter alternatives:

furniture polish, cooking spray, baby oil or cooking oil

Best Commercial EVER

This is an oldie, but a goodie. The first time I saw this commercial, I was hungover and watching a Food Network marathon with a few friends. I didn't really pay attention to it, but by the third time they showed the commercial, I remember turning to my friends and saying "uh, what is up with this commercial?" They were both thinking the same thing. As the day wore on (we really were that hungover that we watched a whole Saturday of the Food Network!), the commercial played many times and each time it was funnier...and more disturbing! Seriously, what is up with that bulge! Mrs. Parker is a lucky woman...

Future Red Sox movies-in honor of some fabulous ball playing (2-0!!)

People who live in expensive Capitol Hill houses and have gay sex with 20 year old boys shouldn't throw stones...

David Phillips, the first of probably many men to claim to have had sex with disgraced Idaho Republican senator Larry Craig, has come forward to describe his tryst in pretty graphic detail. To summarize, Phillips met Craig in a Capitol Hill boy bar 20 years ago and proceeded to go home with him. The two had a sexual encounter at Craig's house, after which Craig shoved a $20 dollar bill in Phillips front pocket and told the then 20-something "Remember, I can buy and sell your ass ten thousand times over. You were never here. Don't try to come back here. You don't know me."

You gotta love the audacity of these politicians. Especially since Hypocraig was such an outspoken opponent of gay rights and gay marriage. Yet another example of crooked politicians... Makes me want to go with Colbert in '08!

Hoffy Friday!

For the man that has everything...

On Tuesday, Ryan Reynolds received the best birthday present ever from girlfriend Scarlett Johansson. Apparently, Scarlett had just had her wisdom teeth removed, so she had one dipped in gold and strung on a necklace for him! I’ll repeat that.

She had one dipped in gold and strung on a necklace for him!

I can’t decide if Scarlett is super cheap, completely full of herself, or stepping into boiling bunnies territory. Seriously, what do you say to a gift like that? And why, oh why didn’t I save my kidney stone…Christmas is coming!!!

Somebody Fire the Hairdresser! STAT

Rene Zellwegger is sporting a new 1990s-retro do. Perez Hilton is calling it Hillary-esq circa 1993. I'm thinking it's even more manish..... more along the lines of Leo DiCaprio circa 1993. You be the judge....

2007 Rene Zellwegger

1990s Hillary Clinton

1990s Leonardo DiCaprio

Top Ten Reasons why we Love Colbert for President

10. He’ll let us eat all the Doritos we want without harping on exercise and healthful eating.

9. He’s not trying to confuse Americans with too many titles: Dr. President? President Dr.?

8. He has fewer ex-wives than Rudy.

7. There will never be any question on how many wives he really has.

6. He doesn’t have a full article on his campaign website explaining, “how he found love” and doesn’t feel the need to explain.

5. His ginormous eagle and American flag are way cooler than Tancredo’s.

4. His wife doesn’t over-share about his morning-time bodily functions.

3. He has won more Emmys than Al Gore. (Yeah, we know Gore says he’s not running but that doesn’t change the stats)

2. He’s prettier than Hillary.

1. During his presidency, we would actually be laughing with him not at him.

Colbert-the-Candidate Breaking the Law?

Say it isn’t so…. MSN’s Slate Magazine is questioning whether our favorite Presidential Candidate, Stephen Colbert, might be violating federal election law. I have to admit, the author presents some good arguments regarding the FCC’s equal time rule and the FEC’s prohibition on contributions to candidates from corporations. So while I can’t disagree on all fronts, I will instead make a plea to Colbert to tread carefully and offer some ideas on how to get around- er I mean- comply with these laws.

The easy way around corporation contributions… Don’t promote Colbert-the-Candidate’s campaign on Colbert-the-host’s television show. That’s what Jon Stewart & the Daily show is for… But what fun is this? Here’s another idea… While running, bring in guest hosts for the show. Then bring on Colbert-the-Candidate and other candidates for interviews and debates. This takes Colbert out of the “control seat” and will then exempt the news program and its parent company from this law.

Equal time… As the reporter points out, there’s a loophole here because the law states, “the term ‘broadcasting station’ includes a community antenna television system.” Comedy Central, of course is cable. Use the loophole Colbert!

Also, the Slate reporter suggests that the Colbert Report’s collective 20 minutes on air each night (minus commercials) would effectively require Comedy Central to allow each other Presidential candidate the right to their own 20 minutes each night. I disagree. The Colbert Report (the show) and Colbert-the-host do not use the entire 20 minutes to promote Colbert-the-Candidate’s run for President. Therefore, they are required only to give the same amount of time to the other candidates as was spent specifically on the promotion of Colbert’s campaign.

Ya gotta love loopholes…. especially those written into laws by politicians for politicians.

Wardrobe Warning:

Bodysuits are back! Worse yet, they're making them with thongs... ouch!


Check out the little number to the left and you'll see our accomplice is pointing out the thong with snap closure. Okay, I get it. The bodysuit keeps your top tucked in, but is the thong bottom necessary? And how do you wear this get up? With panties or without? I'd imagine the snaps would reek havoc on your va jay jay without the protection of panties....


And let's be honest here, the bodysuits of yore were never comfortable either with the elastic pinching the crease of your inner thighs and the high-cut briefs giving you wedgies... This begs the question-- who in the fashion industry decided that it would be a good idea to bring bodysuits back?

Hasty about Halloween?

Halloween is just around the corner. If you're anything like me, you still haven't decided if you're going to dress up and celebrate, decorate your house, or even hand out candy to the only two kids in the neighborhood who ever seem to trick or treat. And you probably won't until a day before the party you might go to on Saturday.

Here are a few good ideas for some super easy last minute costumes....

Black Cat: Dress in all black-- what ever you have on hand whether it's a black pant, sweater, and heel combo or a black mini, top, tights, and knee high boots combo. Use black eyeliner to create Amy Winehouse style retro cat eyes and to blackout the tip of your nose, and wear soft pink lipstick or gloss. Draw whiskers on your cheeks too, if you want. If you can't find a cat ears and tail set, make your own: cut cut triangles out of felt and glue them onto a black headband. For the tail, stuff one leg of a black pair of tights with cotton balls or pillow stuffing to the desired length and tie with a knot. Cut a few inches above the knot and tie to your belt or attach with a pin to your pants or skirt. Accessorize with a choker with a charm to mimic a collar. This could easily be changed to a dog costume by cutting oval ears from the felt.

Princess: Use an old bridesmaids dress. Finally a second use for that expensive ugly dress! You know you have a few in the back of your closet to choose from. Pick up a tiara from a toy store and you've got yourself a costume. Make this a fairy princess with a wand and some body glitter. I'm guessing they still sell it at places like Wal-mart or you could ask that chick from the wedding who was doused in it-- there's always one.

Hue Heffner: Typically for guys, but could be funny with some role reversal. Wear silk or sattin pajamas, smoke a cigar and carry around a Playboy. Turn your hair gray with some powder, silver spray, or a wig. Make it even better and adorne yourself with three girls (or three buddies dumb enough to agree) in blonde wigs and slinky dresses to be Heff's girlfriends. Add bunny ears and tails to be bunnies.

Rock Star: Wear tight, torn jeans with a tee-shirt that's about two sizes too small and spike, mess up, and/or spraypaint your hair your favorite color. Depending on the era of rock star you want to portray, you're hairstyle will change, but the outfit can stay pretty much the same. Accessorize with make-up, jewelry and/or bandanas to fit the era. Got a group? Have everyone go as a rock star from a different era or genre.

Nerd: It's all about the highwaters, clashing prints, and thick-rimmed glasses held together with masking tape. Then throw in your old retainer and bad hair. It's been done enough that you've got the visual, but it still can be funny pulled off on the right person.

And don't forget about the decorations... there's still time to carve a pumpkin!

Check out more great ideas here: Costune Idea Zone, 101 Halloween Ideas, Halloween Costume Ideas

Big Pimpin with James Lipton

There's a new revelation from the Inside the Actors' Studio host, James Lipton. ABC News reports that in his new book, "Inside Inside," Lipton reveals that in his younger, poorer years he was a pimp in Paris. As part of his pimply duties, he'd accompany young American tourists to sex acts given by Le ho. Who knew the mild tempered, obsessively organized, perpetually professional TV host was so kinky! Had we previously known of this side of him, perhaps his rendition of K-fed's, um... song?, wouldn't have been as funny. Na... it's even funnier now... take a look and see for yourself...

John Black R.I.P Oct 17, 2007

An ode to John Black aka The Pawn aka Roman Brady aka Roman II aka Romulus aka John Stevens aka Forrest Alamain aka Father John...

Imagine my suprise when I caught a recent episode of Days of Our Lives to find out that they killed off the Father of Eyebrow Acting, Drake Hogestyn! Seriously, has daytime TV seen a better actor? This is a ex-clergyman who could fly his own plane, cast Satan from the body of his lover during an exorcism, survive two brain-washings by a evil genius, escape 2 death sentences (by gas chamber and guillotine) in addition to several other attempts on his life, marry and father 3 children with 3 different baby mamas, and bang over half the women in Salem. Although, in retrospect, banging half the women in Salem is not too note-worthy when you take into consideration his shiny, thick mullet and piercing gaze! So, lower your heads, raise your eyebrows, and join me in a moment of silence for this fine thespian.

NOTE: An additional piece of Drake Hogestyn trivia that is just too good not to share! Prior to becoming an actor, Drake was a baseball player. He was drafted by the Yankees and played third base for their farm team until he was injured in 1978. This guy just couldn't get away from "evil empires"...

Update: I just had to add this so you could see the true acting genius that is Drake Hogestyn!

Fat, Drunk & Stupid is No Way to Go Through Life

This video is a great parody of Queen's Bohemian Rhapsody and an awesome synopsis of every frat party you've ever been to. Best of all, watching it took me right back to the days of keggers, binge drinking, experimental drug use, boys in backwards ball caps and flannels, girls in bodysuits and flannels and random hook-ups.... aahh... the college years.

Now, I have to say, I in no way long to be back in the world of Academia... cramming for tests, forging IDs to get into over crowded dive bars, drinking til you puke, wearing flannel shirts and Doc Martins (the grunge look-- what were we thinking??). Nope, I truly enjoy being in my thirties... I'll take wine bars and martinis over fifty cent drafts of random swill any day... I like having money to travel or shop when ever I want to, although I'm still working on the time issue (we really did have a lot of down time back then, didn't we?). I like not worrying about if they'll take my ID at the door, not that it's an issue these days as I avoid those bars who worry their clientele might not be of age. But, it is fun sometimes to reminisce of those days when the only worry you had was to register early enough to avoid scheduling any 8AM classes and to choose which frat party to hit.

So, sit back, relax, reminisce and enjoy...
http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1781938

There's life outside of NYC?

New York State Governor Eliot Spitzer called it "Appalachia." I've heard from astonished British tourists who asked, "there are mountains in New York?" Even a Florida resident sarcastically stated to me once, "skiing in New York? What are ya gonna ski down the side of a building?" And so here's further proof that no one, not even many of our elected officials in New York State, knows what lies north of New York City....




Featured in this clip from the New York State Senate floor are Senator Kevin Parker , Brooklyn, and Senator Jim Wright, St. Lawrence, Jefferson, & Oswego Counties. I'm surprised Senator Parker was even able to navigate his way up the NYS Thruway to Albany.

6 Elephants Electrocuted in Drunken Rampage

Ok, so the story itself isn't as funny as the headline...apparently 6 elephants in northeast India stumbled on some rice beer while looking for food, got drunk, and uprooted a utility pole causing their electrocution. And here I thought that elephants only drank Mai Tais...

Colbert Nation Rises Up

Only in America. It seems that Comedy Central funnyman, Steven Colbert, has announced his run for President. He's not seriously running, of course, but that didn't stop him from outperforming Bill Richardson, Dennis Kucinich, and Mike Gravel in the polls! He might actually win if he makes Jon Stewart his VP...

Phugly Philly

A new survey found that Philadelphia houses the nation's ugliest people. And from what I read on an article on philly.com about the survey, it seems they have some of the worst spoken people as well. Some of my favorite quotes include:

"Most people are walking around in thongs so everybody looks good there[in Miami]," says a city councilman. So, according to this guy thongs make every one look good. Let's all be very happy that Philly is a cold weather city and remember not to visit during the warmer months. Miami, by the way, ranked as the city home to the nation's most beautiful people.

"Miami's gross," says a 22 year old girl who also cited the city as the "dirtiest city" she'd ever visited... she thinks. Honey, that's called sand... as in beach.

Another Philadelphian is afraid the findings might perpetuate Philly's other unflattering stereotypes. "We're, like, the fattest city. We eat all the cheesesteakes and stuff..." Be afraid stereotypical fat chick from Philly. Be very afraid. And put down that cheesesteak.

And perhaps my favorite, (but really how can you choose just one?), "If Minneapolis [No. 8] beat us, it's because the [magazine] guy went around with cute girls there, because they're all born blond with blue eyes there. ..." Um.... What???

Just Another Mundane Monday

Welcome back to work. By now you're probably counting down the minutes until your able to get away from your computer for lunch. Even if you're only allowed 30 minutes to run to the cafeteria downstairs or to the diner down the street, scarf down your sandwich, deal with your subsequent indigestion, and get back to the cubicle farm psyched up for the remainder of the day, it's better than nothing, right? And soon after you return, you'll be counting down the hours until the work day's end. So, here's a little blast from the past to help get you through the mundane start of the work week....

Pacman

Hoffy Friday!

Forget TGIF. That's so 1989. It's Hoffy Friday! So this weekend, party like you're Hoff...

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Got a Mouth Like a Truck Driver?

Bring it to work with you! A new study found that swearing at work is actually good for you. So next time your boss asks you for the umpteenth time where you are on the report you finished three days ahead of schedule and turned in last week, go ahead and say, "check your fucking inbox." And then send him a copy of the study. Scratch that-- hand deliver it. That no talent ass clown won't see it sitting on their desk.

Bigger, Badder, Fatter

Hardees on Monday unveiled its new breakfast burrito (right), a 920 calorie breakfast item with a whopping 60 grams of fat for the low price of $2.69 each.


With ten menu items with more than 1,000 calories each, the bulk of their menu items being between 900 and 500 calories each, and the only items even close to 100 calories each being condiments, it's no wonder Americans are tipping the scales at record rates.


If you live alone or even with a roommate, it can be difficult to cook just for one or two people without having a week's worth of leftovers that, if you're like me, end up sitting in the frig until garbage night. Or worse, you forget about them until there is a stench so strong every time you open the door. So you throw out everything in the frig regardless of their expiration dates in fear that the odor might have penetrated the container, contaminating the food. But before you hit that drive thru, check out how other fast food restaurants rate. Below you'll find a few of the major national fast food chains and information on the number of high calorie menu items versus low calorie menu items offered.


Think you're being healthier by choosing the 10 piece Premium Chicken Selects over the Big Mac at McDonalds? Think again. The tenders pack in McDonald's highest calorie count at 1,270 calories as opposed to the Big Mac's 570. Of course neither is a great choice if you're counting calories, so if you absolutely have to have chicken in dippable form, choose the six piece nuggets with 250 calories but beware of the 15 grams of fat. And don't forget the dipping sauces pack anywhere from their spicy buffalo sauce with 60 calories (100% from fat) to 45 calories (0 grams fat) for the BBQ sauce. For breakfast, stay away from the deluxe breakfast, which is the second highest calorie item on the menu with 1,200 calories. Instead, pick the Egg McMuffin with 300 calories. You can even throw in a hash brown and a coffee and not top 500 calories. And it's portable so you won't be late for your 8AM meeting! Overall, McDonalds offers five items with more than 1,000 calories, three of which are the triple thick shakes, and five entree salads under 400 calories (beware of the dressings and choose low-fat, low-cal versions) and a wealth of other items anywhere in between.


At Burger King, stay away from anything with the word "triple," as in Triple Whopper anything, which all are in the over 1,000 calorie range. And don't even think about making your milkshake a "king." The chocolate and strawberry king size shakes shake up the menu with 1,260 and 1,230 calories! The highest on the menu. With six menu items over 1,000 calories and the bulk of their items between 990 and 500 calories each, it makes getting a meal while maintaining the recommended daily caloric intake rates pretty difficult regardless of whether you're there for breakfast, lunch or dinner. Take a cheeseburger, onion rings, large coke, add in the zesty dipping sauce and you're up to 1090 calories.


Taco Bell, while not exactly healthy, comes in a bit better with no items over 1,000 calories! Wow. I didn't think it was possible! However, if you think you're being good by ordering the Fiesta Salad, you're not. It tops the menu with 860 calories. And watch out for the fat when you cross the border. Many items have nearly half their calories from fat. Taco Bell offers the widest range of foods in all calorie ranges with a handful in each range anywhere from the 790 calorie Zesty Chicken Border Bowl down to 170 calorie Crunchy Taco. But if you're really counting your calories, stick to the "el fresco" items, which all have under 200 calories each.


We've all heard it before, it's all about moderation. Eat healthfully and exercise regularly and on occasion you can splurge for that fast food meal when you're you're in a hurry to get to work, too tired to cook, can't deal with leftovers, or in desperate need for grease to cure that hangover. Just choose your grease wisely.

The Real Mystery is....

Who the hell falls for this crap?

There's nothing I hate more than cheesy guys using cheesy pick up lines. And thanks to a guy known as Mystery, we women can expect even more idiots interrupting us with lines like "Did you see the fight outside" while we're out with our girls trying to have a few drinks and a good time.

In this clip, Mystery is telling a group of women how he teaches men to "open sets" and "demonstrate higher value." He tells them how he judges IOIs (indicators of interest for us laypeople) and how we inadvertently give them off when we're attracted to a man. Sorry, ladies we can't help it according to Mystery, "it comes from ape days." Wow. He's so well spoken! And if you think a guy following Mystery's pick up artist guidelines will actually get the point when you say you're not interested, think again. According to Mystery, "what a woman says and how she reponds are two entirely different things." So, if you're hand itches or your hair gets in your face and you move it while your'e saying "get lost," he'll probably take it as an IOI and start humping your leg.

If you can hang in there long enough, you'll notice what I love most about the video... The longer he talks the women on either side of him start giving off some pretty obvious IODs (indicators of disinterest). But Mystery wouldn't notice, he's too busy touting his successes, which include speaking at MIT and dating a super model, and dissing a woman off camera as well as the only woman who looks remotely intersted in what he has to say.

Mystery also speaks of "throwing out negs," which he explains as acting as if you're not interested in a woman when you really are. Um... Hello, Mystery, 8 year old Johnny from the playground called. He wants his moves back.

Me talk good some time...

Check out this article:
http://www.boston.com/jobs/galleries/work_speak/

Readers wrote in with their favorite "corporate jargon." I've got to admit that I haven't heard some of these (yet), but I am far too inundated with "low hanging fruit", "running it up the flagpole" and "taking it off-line". Although in my company, we like to "put the rubber to the road", "massage the data" (eww!), "build a straw man", "get our ducks in a row", and "tee it up"! Who comes up with this stuff?!!

Celeb quote of the day

"Getting married is the most fun you can have in life. Being married sucks."

– Kid Rock, who was wed to Pam Anderson for four months, to Blender in its November issue

Hoffy Friday

I don't think this picture needs any "witty commentary". It's pretty awesome on it's own!

We're Going Streaking!

Okay, not all of us, just this guy. He apparently had a Frank the Tank moment in Times Square on Tuesday.... including jumping up and down on the counter of a steakhouse. Yum, there's nothing I like better than a porterhouse encrusted with short little curlies.

Sex and the NYS Corrections Department

There are very few jobs that actually require a penis or vagina. All other jobs should be open to everybody. ~Florynce Kennedy

The New York Daily News reported yesterday that a female employee is suing the New York State Correctional Department because of a sexist employee handbook. The handbook, tells women to avoid "jealousy," "flirtatious mannerisms," to be "one of the boys," and to "eat ice cream." Eat Ice Cream??? What the hell does that have to do with being a corrections officer?? ... man or woman.... The only employee handbook that should direct employees to "eat ice cream" is one for an ice cream taster and as far as I know, that's not in the job description for a corrections officer.

After reading the article, I can't decide which is worse: that the Department actually has an employee handbook specifically for women corrections officers that is based enirely on stereotypes or that their spokesperson is trying to defend it by stating the book was "developed in the 1980s" and that "there are different challenges for female corrections officers... it's just a fact of life."

Note to New York State Department of Corrections (NYS DOC): The federal Civil Rights Act of 1964 made it illegal to discriminate against any employee or applicant based on sex, race, color, national origin, and religion. Let me spell that out for you Erik Kriss, that means people who are male, female, or transgender. That's 43 years ago!

To quote: "It is unlawful to discriminate against any employee or applicant for employment because of his/her sex in regard to hiring, termination, promotion, compensation, job training, or any other term, condition, or privilege of employment. Title VII also prohibits employment decisions based on stereotypes and assumptions about abilities, traits, or the performance of individuals on the basis of sex."

So, Kriss and the rest of the NYS DOC administration are either sadly mistaken as to when the law kicked in-- 1964... 1984... they're close, sure... I think they all took too much acid in the 60s and it fried their brains. Or, they're simply so stupid that they actually think their, "I didn't do it" excuse is a justifiable reason for their agency 1) writing the book twenty years after the civil rights law was enacted and 2) still handing the book out to women twenty-plus years later.

Kriss and the rest of the NYS DOC administration should be locked up behind their own bars for crimes of stupidity and sexism.

In honor of "Thirsty Thursdays"...

Poisoned tourist saved with vodka drip



BRISBANE, Australia - Australian doctors said they plugged a poisoned Italian tourist into a vodka drip after running out of the medicinal alcohol they would normally have used to save his life.
The 24-year-old Italian, who was not further identified, was diagnosed as having ingested a large quantity of ethylene glycol, a common ingredient in antifreeze that can cause renal failure.
Pure alcohol is often given in treating such cases because it can inhibit the toxic effects of ethylene glycol.
Dr. Pascal Gelperowicz at Mackay Base Hospital where the man was taken for treatment said he was given pharmaceutical-grade alcohol on arrival, but that the hospital's supplies soon ran out.
"We quickly used all the available vials of 100 percent alcohol and decided the next best way to get alcohol into the man's system was by feeding him spirits through a nasogastric tube," Gelperowicz said in a statement.
"The patient was drip-fed about three standard drinks an hour for three days in the intensive care unit," he said. "The hospital's administrators were also very understanding when we explained our reasons for buying a case of vodka."
The patient made a successful recovery. The incident occurred about two months ago, though the hospital just released information on the case.



I'd like to know what kind of vodka they used? Was this guy Grey Goose worthy? NY girl: that sounds kind of like our trip to the Keys, minus the nasogastric tube!

"I love inside jokes. I'd love to be a part of one someday."

Welcome to our blog!! You're probably sitting at your desk right now, in the post-lunch food coma, searching the web because who can concentrate on work when all you want to do is crawl under your desk and take a quick nap?! We know, we've been there. You've checked Perez Hilton for the umpteenth time (and felt guilty over the fact that you kind of enjoy watching Britney Spears implode), you've checked your personal email, if you're a guy you've checked on your fantasy football league(s)...now what? I asked myself that same question and thought...why not start a blog? God knows I waste enough time searching the internet and I am always getting funny emails that I forward on to everyone (almost!) in my address book, so why not share it on a more global level? **Even in a food coma, the corporate speak is now so ingrained in me that it just comes out in everyday conversation. ugh!** So, come visit us and please post your thoughts. We want to hear what you're thinking and get some fun dialogue going! Hey, if it gets us through the day... And as a special welcome present to my fellow Bostonians, enjoy the lovely photo! Go Sox!