We've all been there, right? Your friend, sister, cousin, brother just had a kid and there you are at your ceremonial first visit to welcome the newbie into the world, family, circle of friends. Picture the
Seinfeld episode when they travel to the Hamptons because they "gotta see the baby." You're starring at this baby who by all accounts could be anyone's baby because there are two types of newborn babies: regular looking babies and ugly babies, but you obviously can't tell the parents that their kid fits into either of these categories because every new parent thinks their baby is the most beautiful baby in the world. Some might even say "breathtaking." While you're staring, the mother undoubtedly asks you if you want to hold the baby. And as much as you don't want to hold the thing, be it because they're just too tiny or you don't like the baby smell they give off, you can't say no. Trust me, I've made the mistake of telling a new mother no before. On the list of most offensive things you can say to a new mother, this is second only to saying, "wow, you really haven't lost that baby weight yet." So, you hold the baby, tell the parents how cute he or she is, but then what? You can say stupid things in a high pitched voice that it won't understand only to have the baby respond by starring blankly, crying, puking on you or shitting their diapers. But for how long?
How long is a sufficient amount of time for that new baby visit? And what's the rush in seeing the baby? New parents expect everyone to drop what they're doing and travel any distance to see their kid within the first few days they popped the beanbag out. We don't have children, ergo, we don't have anything better to do and won't be inconveinenced. Even those who don't come right out and say it are thinking it and will let you know by telling you repetedly, "ya gotta see the baby!" Or, my favorite to loath, "little Johnny misses you." Do new mothers develop a manipulation gene when they give birth? When mothers use their babies to make you feel guilty about not seeing the baby, I really want to say to them, "Little Johnny is two months old. Have you forgotten the
Theory of Cognitive Development we learned about in Psych 101? The kid's brain isn't developed enough to even think about something without it being in front of him. Tell me he misses me when he's two. Until then, please just tell me you want me to see the baby."
There are no articles that I could find on how to react to you're friends insistence on you spending time with their new baby. Most related articles I found were focused on the new parents, not the kidless friends and relatives of the new parents. Okay. New parents do need guidance, I'm not totally heartless, I'll give them that. But what about us? The kidless, thirty-something group who are watching many, if not all of our friends, have children. Where's our guidance on how to deal with baby overload? After all, for us women, the baby TMI starts with the first announcement of our friend's pregnancy status, continues throughout the pregnancy, gets way too graphic around birth and breastfeeding, and seemingly never ends... While I couldn't find any articles giving advice, I did find some humorous articles about babies and new parents. So, when you've just had too much baby talk to handle and are on the verge of saying something anti-baby to the new mom or dad, grab a beer and read a few of these to vent....
Don't you wish we could all be this frank....
TARRYTOWN, NY-Although he's had nearly three months to meet people, stay-at-home misfit Joshua Goldsworthy hasn't made a single friend.
I'm not sure if I should be entertained by this one or horrified that this chick reproduced...
I sure hope my baby don't come out all fucked-up and shit. 'Cause I know I'm gonna be a good mother, and I'm totally ready, no matter what anybody say, but I don't think I could deal with that. I mean, like, if something was wrong with it, that would suck so fuckin' bad.
Everyone knows a woman like her....
HUNTSVILLE, AL—In the seven months since she got herself knocked up, graphic designer Amy Glennon, 27, has been walking around the Calendarz, Inc. office acting like the Queen of Sheba just because she's pregnant, coworker Stephen DeGrassio announced Monday.
Even after baby arrives, the baby talk doesn't end....
BETHESDA, MD-New parents David and Diane Huber, both 28, remain locked in a desperate search for other parents with whom they can talk exclusively about children, child-rearing, and their beautiful eight-month-old son Tyler, sources said Monday.
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